Closet Fan
by Eli
Summary: What do the eccentric do in their spare time?
1. Closet Fan

Title: Closet Fan  
  
Author: The lyrical Eli  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Summery: When fetish goes freakish.  
  
Note: Warning, severe trauma may be casued by reading this. Read at your own risk.  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own it.  
  
  
  
  
  
It was a quiet day at the mansion at 1111 Faust street. The servants were about cleaning and everything was unusually happy. Even the intimidating Ian Nottingham was smiling.  
  
Perhaps Irons telling everyone that no one was to disturb him for the next twenty-four hours. Everyone had been grim looking when he had announced it, but as soon as he was safely behind the sound proof walls, they had been screaming with happiness.  
  
Sara entered the mansion and couldn't help but stare at the staff. She had seen them before at her other visits here, but they had always been silent and miserable. But now they seemed light hearted and were visiting with each other. The windows were all open and the sun was shining brightly into the house.  
  
"Ah, Sara. To what do we owe the pleasure?"  
  
Sara could recognize that voice from anywhere. Sara rolled her eyes and turned around.  
  
"I'm not here to see......." Her mouth dropped too far to make any audible words. Ian titlted his head a little and gazed back at her.  
  
"Sara?"  
  
"You." It sounded more like a question than a word. He had no idea what was making her speechless. Maybe it was his change in wardrobe.He was only wearing regular blue jeans, slightly sagging to today's fashion, but he still had his wallet chain present. Also featured was a red tank top, and he had turned in his combat boots for regular black sneakers.  
  
After Sara had gotten over her shock, she withdrew her gun and aimed it at him. He looked back in amused disbelief and even laughed. "What are you doing?"  
  
"Where is the real Ian Nottingham and what have you done with him?" She asked seriously. Normal clothes, laughing. This couldn't be the same guy who had been stalking her for the last four months. Her statement had just made him laugh even harder.  
  
"It's me, put the gun down." When it was obvious that she didn't believe him, he finally put his laughing into check and pulled out the wallet that was attached to the chain. He flashed her his driver's license. "See, it's me. Calm down."  
  
Sara put down her gun and just shook her head. The look on her face made him laugh again.  
  
"What puts you into such a state of disbelief?" He asked, barely able to get the words out pass his laughter.  
  
Sara glared and got huffy. "Well, Jesus Christ, since when do you laugh?"  
  
"Doesn't everybody?" He asked. He was finally able to stop laughing. "You still haven't said why you are here."  
  
"Your outfit was distracting me." Ian looked down at himself.  
  
"What's wrong with my clothes. I assumed they were normal."  
  
"That's the point." Sara said sharply. Ian decided to not to go any further on the subject of his appearal.  
  
"Why are you here today, Sara?"  
  
"I need to speak with your boss." She said crossly, not wanting to waste any time.  
  
"I'm sorry to say Mr. Irons is not attainable at the moment. Is there anything else you need?"  
  
"Let me see your boss, Nottingham. Or is Daddy's little boy hiding something?"  
  
He let the remark slide and smirked. "There's no need to insult, Sara. If you truly wish to see Mr. Irons, follow me. But I warn you, you did ask for this."  
  
Sara was growing impatient. "Sure, fine, whatever. Lead the way."  
  
Ian led her up a staircase, around a few corners, and all the way to what must've been the back. They came to a set of large white doors. They were shaking slightly and Sara could've sworn there was music on the otherside, but she couldn't make out what.  
  
'This will be interesting.' Ian thought to himself. He was ready to burst out laughing again, but kept himself in check. "He's just through here." He said over his shoulder as he swung the doors open.  
  
"What the fuck?!" Sara screamed, but she wan't heard. The music was being blast so loud you couldn't hear anything, but she barely noticed. Though it was against her will and made her sick, her eyes were glued to Irons.  
  
His eyes were closed and he was singing and dancing to the music. His outfit consisted of a catholic school girl skirt, along with the top tied together to reveal his incredibly flat chest. He was also sporting a brown wig that went into pigtails. If she had thought Ian's clothes were strange, Irons' were outright horrifying.  
  
Ian knew quite well of this room, with it's millions of posters and concert tapes. And especially of it's many outfits, like the one Irons was wearing at present. But he had never seen it put to these uses before. His laughter was as unstopable as Sara's repulsion.  
  
"Oh baby, baby. How was I suppose to know? That something wasn't right here?"  
  
Irons droned in a mock saprano voice. He was on a mini stage mocking the music video, which was on a huge big screen behind him.  
  
"Oh baby, baby. I shouldn't have let you go. Now your out of site, yeah!"  
  
Irons ran his hand over his front, which the skirt and shirt did very little to cover, as he shook his hips and did fancy turns.  
  
"Show me, how you want it to be. Tell me baby, cause I need to know now, oh because."  
  
He turned straight forward and shook the breasts he didn't have. As if that wasn't horrifying enough, he swirled so that his skirt flewup around him to reveal him clothed in pink women's underware. When he turned, they discovered much to their terror that the underware was a thong.  
  
"My loneliness is killing me. (and I) I must confess, I still believe (still believe) When I'm not with you I lose my mind. Give me a sign. Hit me baby one more time!"  
  
For the finale, he turned toward them , eyes still shut, and slapped his ass. The music stopped and a woman's voice could be heard.  
  
"That was Baby One More Time by our beloved Brittney Speares. Stay tuned for the twenty-four hour Britney fanatic day, only on MTV."  
  
Irons stretched and finally opened his eyes. His eyes grew wide as he saw Ian and Sara standing there. His hands flew up to his naked chest and he ran behind a curtain, trying to hide himself as he screamed at Ian for disturbing him.  
  
"Today my devotion was for Britney Speares, and Britney Speares alone!" He screamed out at them.  
  
At these words, Sara just let the air out of her and fainted. Ian caught her before she fell. He turned to Irons, still trying to hide the laughter.  
  
"I take it she doesn't wish for an encore."  
  
The End 


	2. Fanatic

One dark night in the mansion in Faust street, we can behold three living shadows moving around nervously in the newly installed room. They are careful not to disturb anything there.  
  
After they were finished, they silently opened the window and began to climb back down.  
  
"Ouch, careful." The first shadow hissed at the shadow in front of her.  
  
"Oops, sorry Chief." The second shadow replied.  
  
"Silence, both of you. Mister Irons will hear you" The third shadow demanded. The other two shadows shut their mouths as the three of them left.  
  
-Two Weeks Later-  
  
Kenneth Irons strided into the meeting room in a bad temper. He slammed the door behind him and sat down at his seat.  
  
"Gentlemen, you have five minutes to explain why you called me to this meeting so suddenly." He growled out at them. All the men gulped in their seats. The new vice president, Thomas Lexington, cleared his throat before speaking.  
  
"Kenneth, we called you here today to discuss your mental health."  
  
"What?!" He growled at them. They all shivered in their seats.  
  
'It did not say this in the contract.' Thomas thought to himself. Out loud, he said "Mr. Irons, we have good reason to believe this, Let us show you our argument." He picked up a remote control and turned on a screen.  
  
"I warn you now, gentlemen. I have not viewed this myself yet, but it is suppose to be graphic. Sp brace yourselves." He pressed play.  
  
"Welcome back to TRL!" Carson Dailey announced happily as the audience went rampant in their seats. "Okay, we have a real treat in store for you all. Today, we received a very interesting fanatic video sent in by none other than Kenneth Irons himself!" The crowd went nuts. Carson smiled. "Let's get it rolling."  
  
"Merciful heaven." Irons said as his eyes grew wide at the film being played.  
  
The beginning music blasted on the stereos. The audience laughed at the familiar tune. Right before the lyrics began, Kenneth appeared from out of the corner.  
  
That was when the screaming began.  
  
He was dressed in a skin tight red leather outfit. He had on a matching pair of high heeled go go boots that went knee high. This time, his wig was left down and was blonde.  
  
"I think I did it again! I made you believe, we're more than just friends! Oh, baby!" He sang out in his nails on a chalk board mock soprano voice.  
  
He pouted his lips and did a few turns. At least there was no thong in view, but the red bra that was stuffed with what appeared to be hundred dollar bills was frightening. At least he had something to shake as he shook his artificial chest. A chorus of puking could be heard in the background.  
  
"It might seem like a cruuuuushhhhhhh! But that doesn't mean that I'm serious!"  
  
He bit down a bit on one of his fingers as he shrugged innocently. He shook his hips to the side like he was a belly dancer as he slid his hands down his body, grabbing himself like he was Michael Jackson or Vanilla Ice.  
  
"Cause to lose all my senses. That is just so typically me! Oh, baby, Baby!"  
  
Irons put a hand toward himself. Then he jumped up and tried to do a girly spice girl kick, but his landing was offset by the heels as he landed on his ass. But it didn't matter to him. He then proceeded to do a seductive like crawl toward the camera.  
  
"Oops I did it again. I played with your heart! Got lost in the game. Oh baby, Baby!"  
  
He had gotten up by now and was trying to mimic the dance moves from the video. The fast, flashy steps to the right, the hand movements toward the heart, and the windmill arm movements. It would have looked better if he wasn't half a second off tune. He took a deep breath as he prepared for the finale.  
  
"Oops, you think I'm in love, that I'm sent from Aaaaaaabbbbbbooooooooovvvvvvvvvveeeee! I'm not that innocent!"  
  
The climax note 'above' was extremely off. The mirrors in back of him shattered, along with the lense to the camera. He finished it off with a few slaps to his ass to prove the not innocent part of it.  
  
Irons sat in his seat, angry as hell. "So I'm a fan, what of it?!"  
  
But no one answered. They were all too busy rolling on the ground in pain. "My eyes! My eyes!" Was a famous comment as the people on TRL trampled over Carson to flee. They were even jumping out the windows to free themselves.  
  
Irons ran out of the room crying. "You don't understand! No one does! I just want to worship and pine! Boo hoo hoo!"  
  
Side note: For all those worried for the board of directors, fear not. They all have just recently gotten out of the hospital after they all had their eyes removed.  
  
TBC 


	3. Star Struck

Kenneth Irons was trying to be patient as he waited for the car to reach it's destination, but was failing miserably. He had tried drinking wine earlier, but had ended up spilling most of it onto the Dinning room table. As he sat in his limo, he had to hold himself down to keep from bouncing in his seat. He pressed the intercom next to him. "Driver, can you not hurry up?!"  
  
"I am trying to get you there as fast as possible, sir." He answered.  
  
His attorney, Anthony Cruise, Re-adjusted his tie nervously for the umpteenth time. "Mr. Irons, I can not see why you are joyed to make this trip. It will surely not be pleasurable." He told him as he spotted the building coming up and grabbed his brief case.  
  
"Oh, it will." He told him.  
  
"Sir, we have arrived." The driver told them.  
  
As he began to break, he heard Irons frantically trying to open the door, which he was unable to open due to the child lock security that Ian had made sure the driver put on.  
  
"Let me out! Let me out! Let me out!" He screamed.  
  
"Patience is a virtue, Kenneth." Anthony reminded him.  
  
"Screw patience, let me at her!" Kenneth whined. The driver went over and pressed the button on the key chain and unlocked the door. He reached to open the door for his employer.  
  
SMACK!  
  
Irons jumped out of the limo, smashing the driver with the door as it flew open. "Kenneth!" Anthony called after him as he scrambled out of the limo and helped the driver to his feet and quickly tried to convince him to not sue.  
  
Irons ran past the receptionist, barging into the room to the side. She tried pulling on his coat to stop him, but he just let her pull it off and continued running as she tripped to the ground.  
  
He saw a set of tall doors at the end of the hall. 'Okay, me being the smarty pants that I am, knows very well that she awaits me beyond those doors. And being the genius that I am, I know that the doors are locked. I must rush at them to gain entrance. Okay, tapping into assassin/stalker strength that my ward was trained in. A one, two, three...'  
  
"Whoopee dee!" With his war cry shouted, he ran full speed ahead toward the doors and crashed into them, allowing him entrance into the room.  
  
Dazed, Irons took the bucket that had fallen on his head off and looked around. "Curses." He murmured as he slowly rose, hitting his head on a shelf as he did. He stumbled out of the janitor's closet and into the hallway.  
  
"Dude, are you okay?"  
  
His eyes went wide as his goddess of pop music stood before him in a pair of leather pants and a baby tank that showed off her midriff.  
  
"BRITTNEY!!!!!!" He cried out happily as he tried to walk towards her for a hug. He tripped over a mop and ended up a mess at her feet, but that didn't stop him. He hugged her ankles and kissed her sandals.  
  
"Ewl, ewl, get off me rich, old man!" She whined in her annoying high pitch squeak of a voice. He refused and she pouted. "Honey, there's a billionaire playboy trying to worship me at my feet again!" She called out over her shoulder.  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"  
  
Irons felt a swift kick to his stomach as he flew up against the wall. He looked around furiously for the man who had kicked him. He stood up straight just as he felt a kick to his shin. "Ow!" He shouted as he looked down to see a little man 1/8 of his size dressed in grey go over and stand next to Brittney, crossing his arms angrily.  
  
Brittney smiled. "Thanks, sweetie." She said cheerfully as she blew a kiss down to him. The little bald man smiled and hugged her leg. Irons glared down at him and the little man smirked evilly as he began to frantically hump her leg. "Oh, sweetie, not out here. No, wait till we're alone." When he ignored her, she took out a small spray can and squirted him with water. "No, bad Mini me. Save it for later." She told him with a wink.  
  
Just then, Anthony came upon them. "Ah, there you are. I guess you have all ready been introduced to me client, Ms. Speares. Shall we go into the conference room so that we may have some privacy?" She nodded and all of them went into the conference room to the left.  
  
Irons sat down at the edge of the table and motioned for Brittney to sit next to him, smiling pleasantly. She looked at him and mouthed 'freak' and sat down across from him, Mini-me sitting on her lap.  
  
Anthony took the seat meant for Brittney and set down his briefcase. "Now, Ms. Speares, do you wish to tell me why you have called us here today?"  
  
"Well, after recently seeing Mr. Lead's-"  
  
"Irons', actually." Kenneth corrected as he sat gazing at her dreamily.  
  
She scowled. "Whatever. I saw his little home video of my work and I am suing his ass for slander." She said coldly.  
  
Anthony sighed. "Ms. Speares, you allowed TRL to show such videos of your fans and that is the media that the tape was sent to. So, you have no right to sue my client."  
  
"Excuse me, his little video made my popularity, which was like at .0010% go down to .0009%! I am insulted!"  
  
"You're popularity will always be 100% with me, Brittney." Irons told her admiringly.  
  
"Shut up, dude!" She snapped at him. "Oh, and I am also filing a restraining order." She informed them as she slid a piece of paper across the table over to him.  
  
Anthony looked at her curiously as she pulled out a sucker and started licking it. "Do you have a reason for this action against my client?"  
  
She withdrew her lolly pop and glared at him. "Your client erased all my e- mail and filled my box with over a thousand e-mails, and I have all ready changed my screen name a dozen times. He did the same to all my fan clubs as well."  
  
"You have no proof."  
  
"I have the guy he used to hack my computer, a Gabriel Bowman. I let him off scotch free because he mentioned that this man," She pointed at Irons. "Held his best friend, a Sylvestor Marcus, hostage."  
  
Irons frowned, slightly. 'I knew I should have had Ian kill him this lifetime too. He better not put this into the comic!'  
  
"And, I also have one of his employees who had follow me around with a camera to gather pictures of me while I was undecent." She added.  
  
"Indecent." The lawyer corrected."  
  
"Shut up, Cruise. Whatever she says is right!" Shouted at his lawyer as he stared at Brittney.  
  
"Anyway, he gave me the pictures. Here are some." She slid a few pictures of her in a lady's room.  
  
Irons saw them and scowled even more. 'Damn you, Ian. I knew there would be a side effect to not letting him get any!'  
  
Anthony gulped uneasily. "Oh, dear. Kenneth, you did not inform me of this." He said lightly as he passed a picture to Irons. "Did you have someone take these pictures for you?" He asked him, almost scoldingly like a parent. He didn't answer. "Kenneth..."  
  
Kenneth started to pout and tear up. "Yes, I did." He moaned out as he began to cry. "I just wanted some pictures!"  
  
Brittney frowned. "He's friggin' insane! Look at him! He's crying like my kid sister when Aaron Carter cheated on her with Justin!" She shouted. "He is beyond obsessive!"  
  
Anthony rose. "Ms. Speares, my client is not obsessed." He said calmly.  
  
"Oh no?" She asked him. She turned toward Irons and spat on the table. Immediately, he jumped up and licked it up into his mouth. The remainder he could not suck up was wiped up with his handkerchief and put next to his heart. "Brittney's very own spit! This will go well in the collection!" He said cheerfully.  
  
Brittney looked at Anthony and motioned at Irons, exasperated. "No, not obsessive at all!" She said sarcastically.  
  
Anthony sighed. "All right. My client will obey the restraining order. I will discuss the matter of you suing him with your lawyers privately sometime next week. Good day, Ms. Speares." He said quietly.  
  
She and Mini-me rose up. "Stay the hell away from me!" She shouted at Irons before she turned to Anthony and smiled pleasantly. "Good day!" She said cheerfully.  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEE!" Mini-Me squealed as he and Brittney left, his small hand on her butt.  
  
Irons tried to go after her, but was stopped by his attorney. "Let her go, Kenneth."  
  
He started crying. "But I want to worship her!!!!!" He moaned out as he tried to get to the door. "Brittney, Wait for me, darling!"  
  
"No Kenneth!" Anthony said as he tried to restrain him once again. He failed, and Kenneth ran after the pop star and caught up to her. He hugged her from behind.  
  
"Brittney, I just need to tell you:  
  
I'm a slave for you  
  
I cannot hold it, I cannot control it  
  
I'm a slave for you  
  
I won't deny it, I'm not trying to hide it."  
  
She and Mini-me pushed him off, but he would not stop. He took off his fancy jacket and smiled.  
  
"Baby, don't you wanna dance up on me  
  
To another time and place  
  
Oh, baby, don't you wanna dance up on me  
  
Leaving behind my name and age  
  
Like that. You like that?  
  
Yeah. Now watch me."  
  
He danced mock seductively, knowing all her moves from the music video by heart. He ripped off his shirt and began to shake his ass.  
  
"Get it, get it, get it, get it  
  
Get it, get it, get it, get it  
  
Get it, get it, get it, get it  
  
I really wanna dance tonight with you  
  
I really wanna do what you want me to  
  
I really wanna dance tonight with you  
  
I really wanna do what you want me to."  
  
"EEEEEEEEEE!" Mini-me screamed as he covered his ears. Brittney was too horrified to think to close her eyes. (As if she had that thought capacity anyway.) She watched, terrified, as he turned in cricles madly, touching himself in all the wrong places.  
  
"Baby, don't you wanna dance up on me  
  
To another time and place  
  
Oh, baby, don't you wanna dance up on me  
  
Leaving behind my name and age  
  
I'm a slave for you  
  
I cannot hold it, I cannot control it  
  
I'm a slave for you  
  
I won't deny it, I'm not trying to hide it."  
  
Just as he ripped off his pants, revealing his thong with her picture on it, Brittney screamed as loud as she could, and that made him stop.  
  
"What's wrong, m'love?" He asked her anxiously.  
  
"You!" She replied. "I think you've blinded me! Mini-me!!!!"  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" He screamed as he socked Irons straight where the sun don't shine. He then escorted the blinded Brittney out side.  
  
"Kenneth, are you okay?" Anthony asked him as he helped him up to his feet and handed him his jacket.  
  
Kenneth pouted and shook his head. "I just wanted her to hear my song! It's our song!" She weeped out as he hugged his lawyer.  
  
Anthony cautiously patted Irons' back. "Well, she did hear it. Why don't we go back to your mansion and I'll have Nottingham put on those CD's he refers to as your happy music." He said soothingly.  
  
Kenneth's lip quivered. "But Brittney sings all my happy music!!!" He moaned out. "Boo hoo hoo!"  
  
"Get hold of yourself, Kenneth! You have your business to run!" He reminded him as he tried to escape the older man's embrace.  
  
"No, don't wanna!" He whined out. "I did it all for my goddess and she doesn't like me anymore!"  
  
"Well, why don't we find you a new goddess? How about that nice Pezzini woman you have Nottingham stalking all the time?" He mentioned.  
  
Kenneth shook his head. "She don't like me, either! Besides, she's a meanie!"  
  
Anthony sighed. "Well, what about that Christina girl that your servants are so fond of. I've seen them watch her on the staff room television."  
  
Kenneth stop moaning. "Well, she is very pretty. And she can sing." He looked down at himself. "And I bet she'll like my dancing and won't care if I put her face on my happy thong!"  
  
"See, Kenneth. All ready she sounds more promising." He said happily.  
  
He stood up straight. "You are quite right. For now on, I praise Christina! Thank-you, Cruise. Now, I must go!" He said as he started walking toward his limo.  
  
"Go where?" He asked, confused.  
  
"To my mansion to do research. I must learn her moves to impress her with when we meet." He looked forward and started toward the door, mumbling to himself. "Christina, I'm coming for you, darling!"  
  
The End 


End file.
